Over 2 months ago my world changed. It was May 9th, and I was over at Angel's house letting some youth group students wash my car. Then they all thought it was funny to try and get me wet, but failed when I overpowered 5 teenage girls. It was time for me to go when I heard something I didn't expect to hear. Angel pulled me aside, and told me that she was breaking up with me because she need sometime to herself and God. I thought, "Crap, this sucks, but if this is what she needs then so be it." I just thought it was too sudden, since a couple of weeks before this, we had been talking about marriage. Well I am an huge over-reacter, and I blew things out of proportion. We got into a fight when I found out that she had gone to a movie with a male friend. She told me that there was nothing between them. Two days later I was devastated when I saw some message between the two of them. They had begun dating. I was crushed. I didn't know what to do anymore. During this time, I didn't want to lose Angel from my life, but I hate her boyfriend. I tried hanging out with them, but I just couldn't do it anymore. It was starting to take an emotional toll on me. I was giving up on life itself. I had given up on God. I wanted absolutely nothing to do from God because I blamed him from taking everything from me. He had taken my brother away from me 3 months earlier, he was causing discontent with-in my church, and now he had taken my future wife away from me.
During this time I decided that I would purposely avoid Angel. I rarely repied to her texts, and I never called her. I replaced all my free time with work. I became a work-aholic. I became over-whelmed with work that I lost myself at work. I wasn't me anymore. I cursed, participated in pervese jokes, and did things that just wasn't me. I even went as far as wanting to get drunk, but I am so against under-age drinking that I just couldn't pull myself to do it. At times, I wanted to hurt myself, but I knew that wouldn't solve anything. I only showed up to church because I didn't want people to know that I was hurting. I put on my fake smile every Wednesday and Sunday. Unfortunately Angel was still in my life, and I was hurting myself emotionally every time I saw her. I would put myself out there, and think that I could win her back. Finally I had enough, I sat down with her one day, and I told her, " I can't do this anymore. I can't be your boyfriend or put myself out there. You got hurt, and I am willing to give up everything for you, but you won't let me. I love you with everything that I have, but I can only be your friend." It was a hard time to just be a friend. The emotions were still there for each other. I finally decided to tell people that it was officially over, and I was done trying to win her back. She has made the choice, and I must accept that.
I still wasn't willing to live the life God wanted for me. I knew He existed, and never doubted that, but I wanted nothing to do with him. I had college applications coming to me in the mail for places such as ORU and NU. These are the two colleges I had decided to try and decide to go to after Big Bend. During this time at church, we introduced a new song called "You Won't Relent." I kept listening to it over and over, and realized that God wasn't giving up on me. I kept fighting with God over and over. I told him to leave me alone. I must say that when you tell God to leave you alone, He views it as a challenge, and won't stop pursuing you. I fought with Him for weeks. It was when I was at my last straw, and ready to give up that I decided that I can't give up on God. I am tired of running from God. I knew that I am suppose to help people of all ages. I am suppose to preach, and reach out to all. I want to teach and preach. I also want to study philsophy, but I can't find a degree with all that.
The last part of my story is what screwed me up the most. It was 4th of July, and I was up in Leavenworth with my family, and I got this text from Angel saying that she made a mistake when she left me. I told her well as long as she is happy then it doesn't matter. She told me she wasn't happy. That is when I realized something that I finally told her on my way back from my trip. I realized that she isn't in love with her current boyfriend. She still loves me, and she can never truly love another guy until she chooses to stop loving me. This destroyed me because I had put up the front that I didn't want to be with Angel at the moment, but i knew that I really want to. So I left on my trip. I left everyone behind.
I must say that it truly is beautiful on the Washington coast. I spent many days talking it over with God. He challenged me over and over. Now i am back, and I haven't decided what to do. I know that i'm going to go to Northwest University. I know that I love Angel, and I want to marry her still, but just not now... For now i'm just going to serve God as wholly as I can, but I know that i'm not perfect, but I'm going to train myself to do so. I'm going to end with this quote that I want to be true of me one day, "It's not how he died that made him a hero, it was how he lived."
